I have not been overly impressed with myself lately. Not that I have been doing wrong, or being unkind. I have just not been able to find the focus or fire to take on the tasks, the next steps I know are necessary for the growth I crave. It’s like I am only doing the work to maintain and keep up with things rather than the extra I know it takes to expand and grow into my highest potential and purpose. That’s what I am going for by the way, “my highest potential and purpose”.
Just maintaining is where I have been lately. I’m trying my best to relax into it a bit and trust that the inspiration and fire will come at the right time. But, I’ve been waiting for a bit now and I’m fearful this is just who I am now. Complacent though? Me? No. My college basketball coach told me in one of our preseason one on one meetings, “You are harder on yourself than anyone else is ever going to be”. He meant it as a critique to be more gentle with myself, but I took it as a compliment. Still do. I have adopted A LOT more self-love into my reality since college, which was necessary, but I still don’t believe being “hard on yourself” is a negative. I would, however, like to change “hard on yourself” to “strong intrinsic discipline to personal growth”.
Meahhh. What is so wrong with “just maintaining”, anyway? “EVERYTHING!” screams the roots of my soul. But why? I pay my bills, I’m a contributing member of society, I have a comfortable place to live and work, I eat very well, I have healthy relationships, I do extra-curricular activities, I am even able to save a little bit of money here and there. Why can’t I just fully relax, enjoy what I have created and let it roll? Why do I have this sneaking suspicion or do I dare say, guilt that I am not doing enough? Or worse, carry the fear that everything I have built will crumble before my feet. When I really dig deep to answer these questions, the answer is; Because of the workaholic and competitive American culture I have been raised in. But also, and more importantly, because I know I am capable of more. And that is SO awesome, but also SO inconvenient of a truth when you feel like keeping up with things is all you have the capacity for.
This past July while I was back home in Michigan, my mom said to me after a playful conversation we had, “It’s good to have you back, we were worried about you for a while”. For two years I was so laser focused that I found casual
conversation with anyone or energy spent anywhere outside of getting this business off the ground irritating to me. I often forgot to eat, worked late into the early hours of morning, it affected my relationships negatively. Admittedly, I went a little off the rails when I was first starting things up. I was so hungry to make this life work for me, I went into survival mode without even knowing it. I’m VERY glad to have found more balance, but where did that fire go?? A little bit of success allowed the fear of not being able to feed myself or pay my bills dissolve and somehow “keeping up with things” is good enough. Why? What? No.
I want that fire back! I want that sense of urgency back! I am wise enough to know that forcing things is never the answer, so I am not going to do that. What I am going to do is continue to be patient with myself AND give myself a taste of my own lifestyle coaching medicine to reflect upon my lifestyle patterns. Where exactly is all of my energy and enthusiasm going that I feel I don’t have any left for career growth? I have some ideas of where I could cut back, re-focus, and distribute responsibility but ideas require action if they are to become reality. Action is the hard part. But, “It’s supposed to be hard, if it wasn’t hard everyone would do it, the hard is what makes it great” – A league of their own.
Ya know, even writing out this confession and sharing it with the world feels like a solid step in the right direction. Thanks for reading. I hope my public journal offers some comfort in knowing that even “lifestyle coaches” struggle with balance and motivation from time to time. I know I am capable of doing more for this world, so I must!
Much love and gratitude,